A Lesson Learned

Well, Randy and I have been here in Colorado for almost two weeks now and it has been a wild learning experience so far. Not so much in the terms of exciting new experiences but on a more personal level, I guess. For those of you who know me, know that I am a worry wart. Randy says sometimes I create things to worry about, but this past week I had no need to be creative. I haven't shared with too many people my "concerns" (I like that term better than worries) because I know Randy and I are supposed to be living a "carefree, pack-up-your-life, throw caution to the wind, and travel the beautiful country with just the two of us and our cat" kind of life. As they like to say here in CO, "No worries", right? Unfortunately, my anxiety has been kicking in double time lately because, not only is it stressful leaving all that is familiar to you, but just when we become comfortable with a place and it's people, earning respect and trust at work and beginning to "feel at home"- it's time to pack it all back up and start over in a new place. Don't get me wrong - I really do love what we're doing because we are able to see the country, places I probably would have never had the opportunity to see otherwise, and the people that we meet are so awesome and diverse. So, on top of the normal stress and sadness I feel everytime we leave somewhere and start a new assignment, we found out just before we left Florida to come here that there would be an exam we were required to take at the hospital during orientation. This was no ordinary exam, though. If we didn't pass, we couldn't work......here or anywhere in CO! So, in essence, if one of us didn't pass this exam we would have to repack everything and move, trying to find any last minute assignment we could. The weight of this test has been hanging around my neck and I've had a range of emotions from terror of the "what ifs" to dissolving in tears because I felt overwhelmed by it all. In short, last week I was one anxious cookie. I would find myself trying to pray about it only to immediately start fretting again. I was so frustrated because I felt depressed and unhappy with everything. God really does have a way of reaching out to us in a way that's subtle yet powerful enough to get through our self-absorbed fog we create. Last Friday night when my black cloud was hanging particularly heavy over my head, I finished reading Ephesians and was just skimming over the introduction in my Bible for Philippians. It was one of those times when you read something and it feels as if it was placed there just for you. The introduction basically explained that there is a difference between joy and happiness. One phrase read, "Everyone wants to be happy; we make chasing this elusive ideal a lifelong pursuit: spending money, collecting things, and searching for new experiences. But if happiness depends on our circumstances, what happens when the toys rust, loved ones die, health deteriorates, money is stolen and the party's over? Often happiness flees and despair sets in." Then it went on to say that in contrast to happiness is joy, "the quiet, confident assurance of God's love and work in our lives - that He will be there no matter what!" It hit me like a ton of bricks that for so long I've been praying for peace of mind and happiness of heart, but all the while I've been depending on my circumstances and experiences to produce that peace and happiness - and we all know that circumstances in our lives are ever changing and undependable. It took hitting a low point for me to realize how much God has been working in my life and the only true joy I'll ever know is trusting His promises. Paul had joy in Christ even when he was imprisoned and at his lowest by the world's standards - that is the joy I long for. I'm so tired of being tossed around emotionally by all that is happening in my life and want to cling to the knowledge that Christ is with me through all things and even though He may not lead me around the fires, He promises to go through them with me and mold me in the process.
Just to let everyone know, we took the test this past Monday and it was really intense! I was the last to finish and struggled through the whole thing, but we both did pass. You know, normally in a stressful situation like that I have to fight the urge to break down in tears, but I felt totally at peace that day. It was really amazing. I've always loved to read Philippians 4:4-7, but it wasn't until recently that I truly understood it with my heart. "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."